


Gay Dick Metaphor

by rrc



Category: The LEGO Movie (2014)
Genre: ...ish, A wee bit of Violence, Crack, Gen, M/M, Rated T for swearing mostly, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, Wordcount: 100-1.000, it's crack, prolly nsfw, some sexual themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:24:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2351579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rrc/pseuds/rrc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something I whipped up for we-just-go-wabac of tumblr. </p><p>GCBC are on a walk. They run into Business. Benny is protective. Giant Sausages. It’s crack. </p><p>Warnings: Um…swearing, copious amounts of gay metaphors (I’m pretty sure), LB was a terrible lov-um, "boss," some violence…It’s crack.</p><p>Also available on ff.net (username Pi-dantic), and tumblr (http://themadcapmathematician.tumblr.com/post/93770006643/gay-dick-metaphor).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gay Dick Metaphor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [We-Just-Go-Wabac](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=We-Just-Go-Wabac).



There was a spaceman. He loved cops. Well, not all cops. He kept getting speeding tickets, dumb cops.  
  
No, he loved two cops in particular. The good cop and the bad cop. (More like nice cop grouch cop ammarite)  
  
The coppers were walking home because they lost their police cruiser privs.  
  
"Good Cop, you’re a shit driver." Bad Cop grumbled. He did that a lot. Grumbly grumbly.  
  
"Well, if people would just get out of my way it wouldn’t be a problem." Good cop huffied. "I am da poliz after all."  
  
"Good cop, the sirens weren’t even on."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You hit a bus full of buses full of nuns."  
  
"…just a little though."  
  
Bad Cop sighed. He did that a lot too. Sighy wihey. He nodded, knowing Good Coppers had a point.  
  
Good Cop switched in and booped them both on the nose.  _Boop._  Then he switched out.  
  
They kept walking. They wanted to see Benny Ben to complain about their shit day and smoochies a bunchies. Space smoochies. Of the LAW.  
  
As they walked, Prez Biz was there for not really a reason. He was buying giant sausages from the giant sausage vendor in Giant Sausage Square. This might be a metaphor, we don’t know.  
  
"I hate giant sausages." He muttered, taking a bite of one.  
  
"This is awful." He whined, downing another in like two bites. (Geez Busy, slow the fuck down.)  
  
Bad Cop kept his head low and walked faster. He didn’t want to talk to the Douche in a Suit today.  
  
"Oh, hai Bahd Cahp!" Bigness roomed, waving giant sausages at them. Good fucking Lord, I hope that’s not a metaphor.  
  
Good Copper switched in and smiled because Bad Copper has no smilies. “Hello…you.” Because he doesn’t know how to address their former shit boss who wiped off his face.  
  
"Hey hey…guy." Because Biznuss didn’t know how to address the dude who’s face he wiped off. Doucheypants.  
  
Good Cop switched out. He can’t spend more than five seconds with Bizzles without wanting to bash in his fooking teeth.  
  
Bad Cop stood there. He also wanted to bashies his toothers but he still had loyalty and weirdass internalized shit so instead he kicked the giant sausage vendor guy in the giant sausage.  
  
"Hello…Mr." Bussness had lost his "Sir" privileges.  
  
"So, how are you holding up, Bad diggity dude?" Bizzit held out his hand, clutching a sausage and covered in grease, like his soul. "Sauggickle?"  
  
"Naw." Bad Cop said. "I’m on a no shit diet."  
  
Bizziggity Doo shrugged, not getting why Bad Cop is so mean. He’s just trying to be friendly and give him the sausage, dammit!  
  
(If you’re wondering if this is all a giant wad of dick jokes, you are not entirely mistaken. In the slightest.)  
  
"I don’t wanna talk to your dumbass self." Good Cop switched in suddenly. "Shove that giant sausage in yer leghole."  
  
Bisssssllllliiiiissssss shrugged again. “Maybe later.”  
  
Not in public. Everyone still thinks he’s a chicken wing man.  
  
He petted the sausage with the other sausage. “Secret guilty pleasure.” He murmured.  
  
People stared as they passed. A child pointed at him. “Mommy, why is that man playing with giant sausages?”  
  
"Gay dick metaphor." His mother said, shuffling him along.  
  
(Ok that’s all of the dick jokes, I swear.)  
  
"Go the fuck away." Bad Cop growled.  
  
"…naw." Business Schmizness said, ‘cause he’s a big sausage. Meaning a big dick. (I lied.) He etted another long thin meat stick. "So how’s your life, now that I’m not, you know, controlling it."  
  
"Good." Bad Cop snarled.  
  
Bizdick laughed because he thought it was kind of a pun. Bad Cop and Good Cop get that a lot, because their names are very punny and their very existence is kind of a cop joke.  
  
"I’ll kick you in the groin." Bad Cop snapped.  
  
"No you won’t." Billy the Biz said, licking his fingers kind of grossly. What a creep.  
  
"Oh yeah, and why not?" Bad Copper did not like where this was going.  
  
"Because." Bizznick said.  
  
It actually did not go anywhere. But Bad Cop knew Dickness was a douche anyway and that he did bad things for him. Bizzle Swizzle was his addiction and he knew it.  
  
Also, he remembers that Good Cop lost his face and that makes him Mad Cop.  
  
"I’ll bury you in chairs and speeding tickets." Bad Cop hissed.  
  
Bizfizz laughed. “There is no speed limit for the prezzzideeennnt.” He winked and stuffed both sausages in his mouf at once.  
  
"Dammit." Bad Cop grumbled because he knows this is true. What can he do to combat this? Who is a bad enough dude to stop the president?  
  
Suddenly, there was a shaking of a the ground. Benny popped out of a manhole. He clobbered DizBiz with a folding chair.  
  
Everyone around them oohed and aahed and clapped. Someone screamed “knock him into orbit!”  
  
Benny turned to the Cop Shop, giving them a cool look, “Hey B!” He sung, waving.  
  
He looked down at the crumpled, greasy and sausage covered body of Fitness. “I guess Busy” he put on glasses “is seeing stars.”  
  
"Benny, give those back." Bad Cooper said.  
  
"Sorry, B." he giggled, striking a pose. "I guess you’re gonna have to take them from me." He pulled the glasses to his nose and wiggles his eyebrows. "If yah know what I meaaaann~"  
  
"Oh, Ben." Bad Cop swooned. He does that a lot kinda sorta.  
  
"Baddy Bby, I thought we were a thiiiinnggg~" Lego Will Ferrell whined from the street where he lay.  
  
Benny whacked him with the chair, sending him flying into an Octan(TM) Taco truck that was trying to compete with the giant sausage vendor in Giant Sasauge Square. Amateur.  
  
A guy in a black and white striped shirt held up Benny’s hand and everyone went crazy.  
  
"Sausages for everyone, on the house!" Winced the Sausage Vendor Man.  
  
"Yay!" Everyone said.  
  
It rained giant sausages from the very sky itself.  
  
Good Cop switched in. “I love you, you insane spaceship building god of the stars.” Good Cop is not called Good for being Good; it’s because he’s a top. Good Top Bottom Cop. Yes. 100% accurate canon.  
  
Benny ate his face like an alien face hugger. “I have no eggs to plant in you, so I plant my love.” He said.  
  
Bad Coo switched in. “You are my moonshine.”  
  
"Beer you fermented yourself because of the Prohibition?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Benny’s heart enlarged three sizes that day. He would have to go the to doctor’s to get that looked at, but now was not the time.  
  
He tossed the chair. “Take me now, you hawt copper.”  
  
They snoggered.  
  
"I love you, you dumb spaceman." Bad Cop growled fervently. "Seduce me with your spaceman wiles."  
  
"Science." Benny whispered in his ear.  
  
"Oh Ben." Bad Cop swooned.  
  
They kissed and high fives over Jizzness’s broken body and left to make passionate astronaut on cop on cop love.  
  
  
Endlez


End file.
